Fears of a father to a daughter with mental disabilities

We are used to men not showing their emotions as vividly as women. Used that they are less vulnerable to fears and are a supporter of the family, a solid wall against which all the adversity and misfortune. For those who have grown up the expression “boys do not cry” – an axiom. Now the situation is changing, but only for those who are small. Those who were born in the USSR and are now adults and accomplished people still bear the education of those years. My husband is the same. He feels responsible for all of us. He always terribly worries if there are financial difficulties because there is a feeling of failure, own inferiority, “couldn’t”, “didn’t cope”. I am glad that we have a temporary situation and we successfully struggle with such unproductive thoughts and feelings.

But some time ago he had a fear for our daughter, she has several diagnoses (sensorimotor alalia, autistic traits, mild mental retardation and ADHD, I wrote about it here and here). It came with the realization that she was different from other children. And if during the game on the Playground, I worry more about how she found a common language with other children, so as not to throw a tantrum, if the swing is busy, so that she can calmly wait until it’s her turn, then her husband always cares only that no one hurt her. I can’t even tell what worries him more, that she’ll be pushed, hit, and unable to defend herself, or that I can call her names. It is because of this fear he is strongly opposed to the training in the ordinary school. I, of course, also do not plan to send her to such a school, but I have other reasons, I understand that she will not pull the program, that she needs a special program, a small class, etc. the Husband in General is for her to study at home or at family, because at home no one will hurt her. Here we have to include logic and discuss together the pros and cons of such a development option. I believe, that program correctional schools she well pull and it in any case will have to interact with surrounding world, than more experience it will, the easier it will in further. He, of course, understands and agrees, but I see that the fear does not go away, it still remains with him.

If, suddenly, he catches the eye of an article or news that someone abused a child with ovz or, God forbid, about acts of a violent sexual nature against a girl or woman with any form of disability, it knocks him out of the rut for a day, no less. That’s probably his biggest fear. Because he is a protector, he is responsible for the well-being of all family members. He can’t be around 24 hours a day and he can’t control everything either. Alice he loves very reverently, perhaps, if she did not have diagnoses, he would be easier to relate to many things, but that is, that is. I even sometimes think that his love is much more tender than mine. He always worries if she cries, if she does not get something, he does not know how to refuse her and loves to pamper gifts. All the love of father to daughter it’s kind of its own universe, so bright and good, reliable as a rock and the eternal. I think, that gradually fears will recede, because most often more just we fear uncertainty, our fantasy successfully paints any pictures of the, but reality it turns out much prosaic.

I really hope that never any of the fears in our lives is not realized, and I will not get tired of repeating that only depends on us how our daughter will behave in the world, our task is to teach her to be independent and help find her place. I don’t think our dad’s fears will go away completely, but I hope they never come true.