This is a very complex topic, the purpose of this article is not the desire to offend someone, I tried to find the most clear wording. This text is solely the opinion of the author, based on her personal experience and experiences, it may not coincide with your opinion and does not claim to be the ultimate truth.
When on the Playground or in the store we see a small child who is lying on the floor in hysterics, we most likely think that the child is poorly educated and such behavior wants to achieve the purchase of something very desirable. During the spring-autumn exacerbations, my daughter (she has autism, SMA, mild mental retardation and ADHD, more on this here) can also fall to the ground and cry.
I, as its mother understand against what she strikes. Most often it happens when she wants to go somewhere, and I do not allow. To follow the lead in our situation is to fix this behavior, that is, next time she will do the same, confident of success. A simple example, if I refused her candy, she began to hysteria and I gave in, then she has a simple logical chain in her head: I want candy – it is necessary to hysteria. To break this logical chain then it will be extremely difficult. My task is not to let it form. Therefore, if my daughter tries to achieve something by hysterics, then I do not agree. It can be hard, but I try. At such moments, I have learned to abandon the world around me, although such “performances in public” is not the most pleasant part of life. Although, based on my experience, I realized that the opinion of others depends largely on how a parent behaves in such a situation. Calm behavior of the mother is the key to a more loyal attitude to this situation of others.
Once, if the swing on which she loves to swing was busy she had a tantrum. She just doesn’t understand why she can’t swing, she has trouble understanding. We learned to wait a long time. At first she kicked and cried while I held her down and explained that as soon as the other child was pumped up she could take his place. Now she knows that if the swing is busy, she should stand aside and wait or go swing on the other swing. There’s a great way to regulate such moments-visual schedules and social stories that are part of AVA therapy. They help a child with problems to gain an understanding of the world and its reality,as well as to gain an understanding of what is happening to him. But today is not about that.
Once, on the Playground I witnessed an unusual situation for me. I remember it very vividly.
Grandmother and granddaughter, the last on kind of about 4 years. The grandmother holds a swing and loudly persuades the granddaughter to go for a ride. At this time, to the Playground we go. Alice sees that the swing is free, that is, no one sits on it and rushes to them, at this time the granddaughter agrees with the persuasion and also runs to the swing. I, anticipating that an unpleasant situation is possible, distract Alice and take her away. When the neighboring swings are released, we occupy them and calmly swing. I already and to think since forgotten about grandmother with granddaughter, because as all passed smoothly, I exasperated, that Alice quietly plummeting has, waited its waiting lists all perfectly. The adjacent swing is free. Minutes through 10 to swings starters approach girl,, too, years 3.5-4, with intention on them swing and here materialized granddaughter, she ran up and vypihnuv another girl SELA on swings. It’s a normal situation, nothing extraordinary. The apogee comes on. Suitable grandmother and the child begins to sincerely rejoice in the fact that she lied to the girl. “Grandma, I’m good. I cheated on the girl! I saw, she neck, and I before it SELA!”The grandmother at this time begins to praise the granddaughter:” well Done, of course, what you clever, deceived the girl”. And if the words of the child can still be attributed to the fact that she does not understand what “deceived”, then in the case of the grandmother it is already difficult to do. Apparently, on personified by I have reflected the entire gamut of of emotions, because, bumping into on my glance grandmother stushevalas and starters to speak about how, that not deceived, of course, and outwitted. For me, this is a vivid example of “bad parenting”. Perhaps someone will disagree with me.
But what am I getting at?
A child who develops according to all age norms can be aggressive due to difficult living conditions, for example, if his parents lead an antisocial lifestyle. A child who is underdeveloped can be aggressive because it is a side effect of the pills he takes. A normal child just like a child with developmental disabilities can show aggression or some, from our point of view, signs of bad manners. Similarly, a child with a diagnosis can be ill-mannered, then, of course, the situation is complicated.
There are a lot of stereotypes in the world, we are subject to their influence, whatever one may do. Blondes are stupid, fat people are kind, the mother-in-law a priori does not like the son – in-law, special children are aggressive. And after all, it can really happen that we will meet in life a blonde who does not Shine with intelligence, or a very kind teacher, with a waist far from 60 cm, a mother-in-law who can not stand the spirit of her daughter’s husband or a child who has features of development and offends other children. At the same time, reverse situations are also common and often found in life: blondes who show their sharp mind, rude or angry people who are overweight, mothers-in-law who adore their sons-in-law, disabled children who do not show aggression. Our world is so multifaceted and ambiguous that it is worth digging deeper and our opinion about a person can change from and to.
Special or ill-mannered to understand from the outside is not always possible. The main thing, in my opinion, that parents should do is to teach the child to cope with such situations. To teach socially acceptable ways of communication, to prepare for the fact that there are a lot of different people around, to teach him to love this world and be able to be happy, no matter what life situations.