Pity. | Everyday life of a family with a disabled child

This article is the fruit of my reasoning and my personal experience. I do not claim to be the ultimate truth and my opinion may differ from that of other people.

When parents learn that the child has problems in development, there is pity. This is understandable, because this is your child, who, suddenly, is limited in its capabilities. I really want to help, protect, hide from all adversity. Hide from society, which can offend, from shocks and failures. Want as something compensate for his restrictions, more love, more often inspiring.

In such a situation lies a very great danger. Such a manifestation of pity parents unwittingly themselves limit the possibilities of the child. I often observe this on the example of my husband. He treats our daughter very tenderly and tenderly. If Alisa something wants, and I demand, to she asked or ask, from whom you ask, to she turned and told “mother” or “Pope” and until she this not will make desirable not give, then he, the case, asks: “What you’re kidding over child?”. At the same time, with our help, she can already say “mom” and “dad”. On the one hand-it is a pity, it is difficult for the child, she is nervous, freaks out, the father can not watch how the child suffers, he is calmer to give her what she wants. On the other hand, such parental behavior leads to the fact that the child will not do even what he can potentially do.

Very often, psychologists, when parents come to them with complaints about the absence or delay of speech, are asked to tell how the child asks for something, how well and quickly his parents respond to his requests. Often there is a picture that the child has not yet had time to voice his thought, and the parents have already understood it, already carry, give, include. Why would he talk in such a situation? There is a great anecdote that very clearly illustrates this situation:

“In one family, the child did not talk. Him already 7, and he all speaks out. The parents decided that the child is mute. They sit like that for lunch. Suddenly, the son says:

  • I will not eat porridge, it was over-salted.

Parents in shock:

“Son, you can talk!” Why didn’t you say anything before?

  • Before, the porridge was delicious.»

As long as the child has no need to do something he is unlikely to have attempts to do it.

Of course, the inflection in the opposite direction is also fraught with a lack of positive results. Imagine if the child does not understand speech, and you force him to perform an exercise that just to understand it is necessary to listen to the instruction of 10 sentences. Most likely, the child will start acting at random, perhaps even once guess what you require from him, but the essence of the task he will not understand and the benefits of this exercise will not bring. Therefore, only by assessing what the child knows, you can try to teach him further skills.

Pity in this case prevents, very prevents. It obscures the eyes, it does not allow you to move on and very, very relaxing. And you can not relax in any way, if a person wants to achieve a result, he needs to work hard. “There are no talents or geniuses without clearly enhanced diligence” D. I. Mendeleev. Even if a person has a huge potential he easily flows through the finger without diligence, without constant work and moving forward.

For me, pity is worse than even aggression, which often gives an impetus to do something to spite everyone to prove that I can, that I can. And, if the child has problems, then you can kiss him, Pat him on the head, surround him with care and attention, but teach, teach him to master the skills that he can. Do not despair and do not give up. Do not wait for quick results, but move to the goal in small steps. Once my daughter didn’t know how to collect puzzles. The word really. The picture of the two parts to collect it could not, and she was 3.5 years. She didn’t know what to do, even after I’d shown her repeatedly how to do it with her. Now she is 6 years old, and she collects pictures from 200 elements on her own, even if it is a new puzzle. Similar difficulties were with Lotto, by the way, I wrote about it here.

Yes, sometimes it is necessary to retreat if some action is not given, sometimes to go another way, sometimes to reconsider the ultimate goal, but only work, only constant movement does not allow us to slide into the swamp, lose those skills that already exist and move forward. Good luck, believe in yourself and your children!